My Bits

I sent a variation of this email last week to some women in my life.  The past two weeks have been a roller coaster ride of doctors appointments, hard to digest news, the flu, traveling, going through challenges in relationships, really taking a good hard look at the factors influencing my body's balance and wellness.  Monday I have surgery.

 I am sharing this because I wish I'd have been encouraged through whatever means, to act on something that is pretty important sooner.  But instead, I let it go by the way-side and now I'm in the position I am in.  So, I hope this makes you do something positive for your wellness.

"Ok, this is probably the most personal 'bulk' email I've done, but I'm writing it to you ladies, because I love ya and would like for you to take a few minutes to imagine something:

Imagine you go to your doc for an overdue (2 years, which is actually what some doctors recommend these days) PAP test.  You know you should have gone in a while ago, but things have always been fine.  The days just go by, life is busy being a momma, a partner, a woman, working or trying to maintain whatever else will fit in between all of the rest etc.  Perhaps you were avoiding going due to whatever baggage you carry (being poked and prodded during miscarriage, but really, who in their right mind is great with someone's with their head between your legs, and that horrid speculum anyways?).

If you're not a woman and you have a girlfriend or wife, or sister or daughter, you figure they are taking care of their maintenance (but guess what? women tend to leave self-maintenance to the end of the list - especially when they feel fine), and the last thing you want to ask is "Hey, have you had a PAP test lately?  How's your girlie bits?  Everything good?".  Screw that – ASK because you love them and you are invested in their well-being as much as they are with yours.

You go to your doctor and the exam carries on as it always has – the voice in your head, "relax… what do I say?…  what's it like to be the doc?  (embarrassed), hate this…"  But then…  something is not right. 

A referral to a specialist is made.  In the lead up waiting to the appointment, you wrap your head around there being an issue, but "it'll be fine", you are relatively young, eat well, are active etc.  You research that it is somewhat common.

Day of the specialist appointment comes.  You walk in, chat, exam happens and you wait for the said, simple biopsy to be done, but… the doc is not able.  The exam reveals things have progressed too much and there are other issues as well.  Surgery is needed. 

You listen to the facts, try do your best to stop your mind from leaping at the words coming from his mouth, almost mowing him over with "What is really going on here?!?".   Instead, you're cool as a cucumber.  And what the hell - why is it that when someone tells you not to worry, it just fucking makes you worry?   They don't just put you under for shits and giggles.  You swing from word to word, fact to fact, but the occasional slip happens and horrid things flash through your mind, first and foremost, raising that little one and loving your family, but now, its not just for the rest of your life, but till she's all grown up – like 65 years old or so and, you actually want to see what your hubby's perky butt looks like when he's 90.  If you could just see that, that'd be great.  

You go to a restaurant and write because your heart can't process looking at your family yet, especially those little eyes because you felt like you made a mistake that could cost her and that little sliver of "what if?" is just too deep to hold it all together.   You begin to research carefully, not wanting to be scared shitless, but just needing to inform yourself: "What does it mean?  How serious is this?…(that ridiculous 'what if' seeps in)"  Ad then you're a dumbass falling apart in a restaurant by yourself. 

This is what can happen in just two years, or rather one year, as my family physician expected.  Everything will be ok, you're sure, but…  you're still somewhat scared.  Shouldn't you have known something was up a little bit?  You're in tune with your body.  But the research shows women don't know there is something wrong, until things have progressed way beyond the reproductive system, until it's really not ok, unless they are having regular, annual pap tests.  

If you have baggage,  or just don't like the stupid exam, drop it and live for the present and the future.  If you have just forgotten or put it off, make the appointment Monday just because.  Become better for me writing about my lady bits, because it's no more fun talkin' about my bits, than it is lying on that table.  And maybe if me being moved enough to write about my bits, makes someone catch something early, or learn from my mistake, fan-freakin'-tastic! 

I don't want worries – that's not what life or friendship is about.  Good thoughts would be appreciated (especially this Monday).  Hearing a reply or comment below that you made an appointment would be better."

My surgery went from being 2 months away, to this coming Monday.  The past weeks have been about sifting through my life, figuring out what is impeding wellness and balance (including the tendency to keep the harder things bottled up, which is another reason I am writing).  Regardless of what happens, if things are ok, or not, I know I need to make some changes and I'm thankful for this challenge.  So I'm starting now, hoping that life will be better for what is going on.  That's what life is about, right?  Becoming stronger ourselves and those around us, for the curve balls we have thrown our way.  Yup.

Check your bits girls and guys (you have bits too, but at least you can see your bits - hopefully till you are 90 or so too).