The dream had key details:
- There was a man I met, who was to be my life partner (this man was of a substantial age difference older from what I was, even as an older me)
- He went on a trip to a specific area of B.C., Canada, with his friends - many of them
- He went missing, and I received a call to come to where his friends were searching
- His friend had a very kind nature and he older than me as well
- He ushered me to rest in my partners truck. it was a 3/4 ton truck with four doors
- My 'partner' was searching for something when he went missing - he left his friends and just disappeared. I was distraught and knew that he was gone
- At the end of the dream, the friend came to get me. i was bundled up in the back of my partners truck and told me "He is gone". It was devastating.
It was all fine until memories of this dream started coming back. Perhaps incredibly coincidental, my fiance had a truck that was a 3/4 ton, four door truck. They were going to the same area in the dream, same landmarks within the route they would take. My fiance is twelve years older than me (physically - mentally... hmmm). His best friend was of a similar vintage with a very kind and considerate nature. Approximately twenty men would be going.
Once the pieces started surfacing from this distant dream, towards the events of the 'now', I had no idea what to make of it. "Do I take this seriously?" "I've never been psychic before, do I believe in that?!", "Do I tell 'A'?.
I struggled. Within a couple of weeks time, from the time the guys arranged the trip, till the time they went, I thought i was going bonkers. I told my fiance who is quite respectful of intuition, but looked at me with this "reeally?!" look whenever mention of the stag came up.
Was this just me being nervous about him riding off in to the sunset (though he is a very experienced motorcyclist, he hadn't ridden in a while)? Was this triggering anxiety from losing a classmate in early college? (He was riding under the influence, lost control, hit a curb coming out of a corner and was projected approximately thirty feet in to a telephone pole, plunging twenty feet to his death). Was this just years of protective conditioning? My mom (more on her in my next post), says "goodbye" paired with "Watch out for the drunks", if we were going out past dark. Or "What out for the avalanches!", if we were driving the highways in the winter. Or "Whatch out for the sharks" when I took up surfing. She shakes her head when i worry about things - "go figure, hey Ma?"(make sure to stay tuned for the next post).
My best girlfriend must have listened to me for hours about this dream and the stag... We were doing meditation classes at the time (which I was never really that good at because I consistently fell asleep every class and on a couple of occasions, even heard myself snort upon waking). One evening, we came out of the class and she asked how things were going. An important question arose from our chat: "What is the difference between intuition and anxiety?". I didn't want to be a downer on my fiances stag, but I also couldn't figure out why this dream was so prominent, and if it were for a reason, I needed to do what I could to make use of it.
After a couple of weeks, my fiance and I mediated the best of both worlds. He took an RV up as a support vehicle for the group of guys, which also carried the guys who didn't ride. He would ride his bike to certain points, but if he drank at all, he would just have fun in the RV and enjoy the ride. He also gave his word to stick with the group. And between me and you, I had an inside spy... one of my other girlfriends at the time asked her boyfriend to stick to him like glue.
I remember the morning he left. He fired up his bike and as casually, with love and a spark of "It will be ok" and an air of "if it's meant to be, it will just be", he gave me a kiss and rumbled off down the country road.
I bawled like a diva on a Mexican soap opera watching my guy ride away.
As I stood there until I could no longer hear his Harley, wondering if it was all a 'dream', a voice floated through the anxiety and said "it will be ok". It was a teeny voice, so calm it was barely there. Like when someone walks past you with a warm, pleasant fragrance and it just falls upon you... My tears stopped. "Whatever will be, will be. I have done all I could".
I went back inside the house.
That one moment though, standing by myself, answered the question for me, that I had been asking for two weeks, ""What is the difference between intuition and anxiety?"...
"Anxiety" is the voice that is urgent, nervous, loud, obnoxious.
"Intuition" is the voice that is quiet, peaceful, wise, that you have to earn/ create an environment to hear.
From that moment seven years ago, as a performance artist, as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, it has been validated over and over again, and what I have learned to follow.
It was one of the most powerful lessons of my life and I do my best to listen to the voice of intuition in whatever I choose to do.
In our society and culture today, anxiety seems unconscionably normal. But following what anxiety creates seems to me quite toxic in itself. "Anxiety" is ego driven, what we think we should do, what we assume we are not enough of. It is an exhausting, unrewarding, and unresolving energy, that is fear-driven- like the frantic spinning of one's wheels in the mud. "Intuition" peels back the layers towards refining our own gifts as individuals, it encourages growth and forward movement, love and wisdom.
I am happy to say, myself and my partner celebrated ten years being together earlier this year. Who is to say if that dream meant what I took it as, but it sure did reveal an amazing life lesson.
What is the difference for you between "anxiety" and "intuition"?
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