Around four years ago, I began asking myself
"What is the best gift I can give a person?". The answer that surfaced was:
to see people for who they truly are. Easy-Peasy? Uh, no - that's a doozy, so much so that I am still refining it, and probably will continue to do for the rest of my days. This week, it came to the forefront, so I am appreciatively delving back in to it.
First, why do I believe that seeing people for who they are is so vital? Our connections to those around us is an incredibly powerful addition to, or draw on our lives. The better/deeper we connect with the people in our close social circles, the stronger our own foundations become. It is human nature to connect with one other. It is necessary to be strong and independent within ourselves but our relationships also matter and we care what others think of us. Why? Because how we all fit together, and move forward is our evolution. It is our survival - from our most intimate social circle of mother-father/husband-wife and child(ren), to society, to the world we live in. From Dan Buettner/
National Geographic's Blue Zones, to "
Flourish", to countless studies, it is proven that our relationships make enormous differences in our lives. If we can not do it together, our forward movement suffers greatly.
On the more intimate level, those in our closest social circle help to help define us. They are reference points in a way and their (hopefully) trusted opinions matter heavily. They should. When you feel that people see you for who you are and appreciate that, you feel valued. When you feel valued, you give back more to one another, there becomes a deeper security that grows and less energy is expended on redefining/proving oneself in the face of others, or one's position etc. So when entrusted with such an opportunity for giving to for those I care about, I would like to see who they are with great care, and hope that they care back. Having people who we feel heard by, who care about what we say, whom we feel safe with just being us in our own skin (good or bad), who trust and appreciate us, and us in return, is imperative in positive, healthy, strong social circles. When we have these things, we move forward and thrive as a team, a family, a community, a race. Again, choose who is in your social circles wisely. It takes a lot of time to build those secure foundations, so decreasing the investment of your energy towards those who are a constant draw, who don't see you, who won't be seen themselves, who you can't feel vulnerable with, may be a consideration. We only have so much energy to dedicate and I don't know about you, but I gotta put it to where it will be effective and appreciated.
How does one 'truly' see others for who they are? People are always shifting, growing, going through various experiences. In fact, it can be a challenge to know who we,
ourselves are, in all of our various rolls, never mind who others truly are (again, another reason for why it is so important to have people around us that see us for who we are - they are our compass when things get out of balance or just out of wack). There are two ends of the scale that I am trying to utilize:
seeing the positives and
understanding the challenges of a person.
I am currently reading "
Flourish - A Visionary Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being" by leading
positive psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman (a recommendation by my lovely friend Miss R in Pennsylvania). It shifts psychology from predominantly focusing on the problems, to striving to build a life of wellness. Can you imagine if the world stopped focusing on all the things that aren't working and began pursuing and celebrating the things that do work? If we repeatedly look for what is wrong, defining what is wrong, proving it is wrong, we will inevitably find all that
is wrong in our world. Much like our medical system - we spend billions putting band-aids on rather than educating/empowering people about their own wellness. In his book, Seligman outlines five elements that he thinks we should strive for, for a well-lived life:
Positive Emotion,
Engagement,
Relationships,
Meaning and
Accomplishment (
PERMA). When addressing Relationships, he notes an exercise that draws on research from University of California psychologist Shelly Gable: "
The better predictor of relationship success is how couples respond to each other's good news. not how they fight". This is in part what inspired this blog post, as I was a terrific boob this week - I reacted poorly to my significant other's good news because I felt really unseen/unheard in my own life. He is an amazing man who achieves so much and I overlooked him because I felt overlooked. Overlooking the great news, the achievements and things a person strives for ...(to put it lightly) sucks. Shutting down or not acknowledging a persons' positive 'anything' (positive characteristics, positive choices, resilience etc.)
sucks because if those we love and have closest to us in our days do not acknowledge those things, it doesn't really make you feel that connected or vital, does it?
I am no doctor of psychology (so consider my thoughts for what it is worth), but I do believe there is something as valuable as 'noting the good news', because there is life in between all the good news. Seeing a person in the day-to-day, making mistakes, being worn thin, struggling, is just as important because to get to those highs, and victories, it takes hard work, struggling and making mistakes along the way (
"The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle is a great read for thoughts on this). Acknowledging how people learn, how they experience challenges and then rise from it are successes themselves, and just feeling heard in why something can be such a challenge, can greatly strengthen the motivation to prevail and reach our successes. My hubby says that I "dig deep" sometimes. I love deep conversations one-on-one, where I have the opportunity to learn about the person and the 'why's of why they feel/do/think the way they do. Why? Because I would like to know where a person is coming from beneath what maybe I/others may initially feel are easy choices/successes, and especially choices that perhaps others would not choose. I have learned that often times, they are not any of those things, and getting the feel for where things do come from, undoes the assumptions for why people do something that may not seem to be the best choice and instead, shows the integrity and power of the person. Even and especially when a person does make a mistake, all those struggles, all those blunders we make... it's all about growth, and acknowledging that can be a huge gift in itself to help a person in a vulnerable time lift their own perspective from feeling 'not good enough' to continuing to strive forward with pride in resilience. Mistakes themselves should be honoured as an opportunity for growth, not a measure of incompetence (it's when people repeatedly do not learn from the mistakes that they need a loving, or otherwise, smack on the head). But it takes strong communication and understanding to 'get' where a person has come from, how they feel about where they are at, why they do what they do, why they choose their next step the way they do, or get back up the way they do. It's not as simple as just judging an action, and putting the time in to see the 'why's can really deepen and fortify relationships.
An action always has deeper roots beneath it; the old tip of the iceburg analogy where we only see a very small part of the whole issue. But 'the whole' matters and makes a world of difference when trying to really see a person. When we live in a world of limited 'time in', less time to have quality time with those we love, less time to really check-in with those who are closest, of hardly having the time to think silently in our own minds, the capacity for understanding the other person greatly diminishes and giving the gift of seeing a person for who they truly are, inevitably follows suit. Part of the solution is to reinforce the every day successes and growth so that you don't have to wait for things to fall apart to know that people have your back, or are going to be there to cheer when you get that huge achievement. Even if a person can not be there for all the moments, feeling seen and valued by those you love shows you have great enough value that you already know.
We have all experienced how incredibly frustrating it can be, to be with the people we love and NOT feel heard, understood, nor seen for who we are, for where we want to go, or supported in turn etc. Being with people you love and experiencing being misunderstood, alienation or indifference feels a bit like abandonment - just a bit at a time. "
They're not present, they don't care, they are not willing to see another side"... then you start to teach yourself that they won't be there. To keep wasting energy on hoping and then getting hurt repeatedly is worse than just being alone and moving on. There will always be degrees of not being in tune with each other - that is just life. But to trust that those people
will be there when we reach out to be seen, is pretty vital (it also, on
our part, takes having the courage to clearly say "
I need your help,
I need you to see me") It makes the difference between a tight-knit relationship, and one that should perhaps be reconsidered. Again, at the end of the day, we only have so much energy to go around and if you are beating your head against a wall, not being heard over and over again, not being seen for who you are AND the person doesn't care to invest the time really see you, what IS the point?
There is one more big catch to seeing people. Each of us are wearing a snazzy pair of glasses for which we see all others. Our glasses carry a prescription that alters our view - more rosey, more negative, more cynical, the tendency to jump to conclusions, etc. In our own lives, through conditioning/shaping whatever you want to call it, our own foundations are built - right or wrong, suitable for the time and environment that we are in, but perhaps not for other times and environments as life shifts. The reactions to experiences (not experiences themselves, as we have the choice of how to react to things at the time and in the present), not only create our foundations, they also discreetly tell us "
this is what my normal is, this is what I'm used to", as well as
"this is what is expected and should be". The last statement becomes the prescription for our glasses. It becomes our own perspectives of how the world and those around us
should be - what is suitable, what is inappropriate, how people should behave etc. At times, parts of the whole that we are, can damn near blind us to those around us, especially when we feel unheard, backed in to a corner, depleted etc. It is mindfully reviewing our own filter/prescription that ensures that our beliefs are still current, healthy and appropriate for the situation/time we are in, so we don't become blind or delusional. Keep your prescription up to date so that you can see those around you with as clear a view as possible. Toss out old beliefs, insecurities/fears. Strengthen your ability to see and communicate with people with valid experiences and a faith in yourself.
A scenario: Most of us have a person in our close social circles that are there, but we are cautious of. Perhaps we felt judged by, or hurt in some way intentionally or not. We begin to react in a negative way (withdraw, put up walls, do things that are unlike us when we deal with them). Feeling judged for who we are not can be pretty hurtful. So we protect, and further to that, I will bet that the other person will react with defensiveness and their own insecurities as well. It may be helpful to see where you are at now, where that person is now and realize that if they are still in your world, it is because they matter (or you probably would have gotten rid of them by now). If they
do matter, take the time to see them for who they truly are now.
A lot of pain comes from things that occur in vulnerable times of our lives (as children, or when we are just in a low point etc.) when we are not able to make clear sense of certain things. We react to experiences and hold those beliefs, and then expend energy on validating them so they do not happen again, even when we are are in a new, stronger phase of life. Those reactions may have helped us survive when we were children, or in the vulnerable time, but for example, being adults, 2, 3, 4 decades later, reacting to that person (or similar experiences) in the same manner is not productive, nor healthy, nor is it representative of who
you are now, unless you want to be a person who carries the emotional response of a 6 year old.
Wipe your lenses off. What are the positives of that person? See their day-to-day struggles and achievements for what they are and
tell them. As with Positive Reinforcement training (tipping my hat again to Miss R for recommending
"Don't Shoot The Dog" by Karen Pryor), making positive note to a person when a positive experience occurs, highlights the behaviour for the person and may become something they
aspire for in the future. Who doesn't like being recognized for positive traits? At the same time, you train yourself to see all those things that make them so significant in our lives (remember, what you repeatedly do, is what you grow, so it does benefit you to make a habit out of looking for the positives because you will find them, if not in one situation, then others that follow). The reason why people in our close social circles hurt, infuriate, frustrate and shake us up
so much is because underneath it all,
we love them dearly and their
opinion counts immensely - sometimes more than we would like to give credit to. If they are in your life, by choice, or otherwise, don't waste your time on being in chronic defense, waiting for them to prove to you that they will only hurt you again because chances are, they will - you will find what you are looking for. Look for the best instead. When you give that gift to them, maybe they will respond in turn.
The whole reason for the initial question of
"what is the best gift I can give to those I love" was because I was about to become a mother. Aside from the necessities of life, nourishing food, clean, comfortable and secure shelter, a loving environment, I thought about what my roll was in my daughter's life. It is to see her for who she is. Not for who I hope she will or will not be. Not for what I assume she will be because of the normals of my own life. My roll as her mother, is to clearly see her strengths and affirm them and give them an outlet to flourish. It is to see her struggles and help her succeed them, or help her to temper them. It is to see her dreams and help build a strong, resilient foundation to allow her to shoot for them, and to keep the spirit in her to make mistakes or falter and keep on fighting. To be her mother, I have to see her for who she is.
Life is too short and sometimes enough of a battle on it's own, to not value and be valued by those we love. Our family, our friends are meant to be our safe place where we are cherished, where when we fall, we can rest and when we dream, we will be empowered and when we are buttheads, we can trust the opinions of those we love to tell us as much for our own good. We are meant to be all of those things for the people around us.
My challenge to you: Choose 5-10 people in your close social circles. This week, try your best to see them for who they truly are right now, and honour them for it. Or consider for yourself, what you believe to be the biggest gifts you would like to give to those around you and make your own course of action to deliver.
*photos in this blog are my own. I can't get over how beautiful our new peonies are, and they seemed fitting to illustrate the beauty of a life and those we love!
"The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle 
