Introduction to Compassionate Communication

I always wanted to be a spy.

I'm leading a double life.  Making the space for the course is a challenge, but because I am doing it incognito, it is pairing up with good times.  I am 007 meeting up with Moneypenny in my iPhone for nuggets of intel.  When I drive on my own, I have my CD on.  When I have time at home alone, when I can't be doing my taxes or work projects, etc., I will put it on with my headphones, for instance, right now when I'm prepping food in an empty house.

I have finished the first CD of six - the Introduction.    

I like the pace of the CD's so far.  Dr.Rosenburg has such a kind way of speaking.  But I have to admit, he sounds to me like a mix of Charleton Heston & Cpt James T. Kirk, which is quite ironic, because I'm a guessin' Mr. Heston is not interested in the least with Compassionate Communication.  I could see Cpt James T. Kirk using it with his interspecies mediation though, which then adds an entire sci-fi angle to my alone time.   Either way - good times.

My challenge is attending to the workbook alongside the audio CD's.  I know the workbook will hammer the course home.  But I'm doing the best I can, so yay for me.

The broad strokes (which you can find on the CC/NVC website) that stood out for me in the first CD are the following:

• The basics of Compassionate Communication/NVC "involves sharing whats alive in us and what will make life more wonderful and to receive the same information from other people". 
• Compassionate Communication skills include:
  • Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
  • Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
  • Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and,
  • Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

Last year, I wrote about Positive Reinforcement.  It was helpful in recognizing how pervasive negativity was in my days and that I do not agree with dominantly punitive parenting, or relationships for that matter.  I understood that our society is built on this model.  We brought in a responsibility chart for my daughter and spent time putting up points for her and taking them down, reminding her of priviledges, dangling that carrot.

What kept me from pursuing Positive Reinforcement was the need to dangle a carrot.  In certain cases, training, learning new skills, it is great (when using praise or pride), but it was missing something when it came to the greater picture.  We shouldn't always have to get something for being good.  That's not life.  It misses the mark in terms of why any living thing would want to do something for another, or why we should care about what someone else feels or holds important.

The actions an animal, a child or other party is hopefully due to mutual agreement of a larger experience, rather than because I would give something beneficial to the other party.  CC addresses this.  It also addresses what preceds communication with the other party I am communicating with.

What I am intrigued about Compassionate Communication is that communication begins with taking a step back and checking in with where my true centre is - where my heart is, where my intuition is most regarded, where my spirit thrives.  My most useful quote, one that sits framed in my office is "What best serves the growth of my soul?".  This question grounds me in those times where I am off my own centre, when I am reactive, influenced by things outside of me rather than securely in what is true to me.  Compassionate Communication's question "What is alive in me?" feels similar to me.  Next, it is about observing the situation and actions as truthfully as possible with observations, and next, asking myself what is alive in someone else, and how to communicate in a way that best serves making life more wonderful for those around me as well.

My way of communicating in the past was ..to not communicate.  I would hold everything in, do my best to deal with it on my own, think about things, fester, do my best to figure out what  I felt, and after the situation would continue, perhaps I'd give my input, which relatively, is usually in a more subtle form than some would do.  Then it festers some more, and if the situation continues, I will either walk away, or explode.  Sometimes this happens over months, sometimes over minutes.

In the Introduction alone, I recognize that this is a whole new way of communicating and thinking.  One that I am so eager to learn more about.  As with any new prospect, there are things we will agree with, things we find incredibly useful, and some that challenge our thoughts.  I truly am excited and hopeful about this. 

My own first exercise is to observe myself.  When in a situation that involves another party, rather forming opinions, reacting, or being lead by my reactions (becoming offended or defensive), I am focusing on observing what I feel, and the truths of the situations.

In this course, I do have a workbook that accompanies the CD's.  I am studying the course as best I can these days, but what I hope to share here, is what inspires me about this course and how I see that inspiration changing the direct relationships around me.

Very intrigued so far.