I am doing an experiment on my husband and my daughter and they are not aware. I am not going to tell them either. If you know them, please don't let them know. Some family members are also not aware.
The backstory:
I have spent the summer and fall getting to spend some lovely time with a friend. She is someone who I have come to treasure. She is peaceful. She is thoughtful. She asks questions that are respectful and that open people up. She is someone who you walk away from visits from feeling heard, feeling appreciated and feeling equally clear what her wishes are as well. Our conversations are meaningful and she is sharing and giving of herself.
In one of my many moments following feeling like a parental/spousal turd (*more on this later), she and I went on a road trip. At the end of the trip, I asked her about her style of communication. I expressed how wonderfully I feel she communicates - yes her style truly stands out THAT much. I asked if it was part of her upbringing or if it were something she shifted to. She laughed when I asked if it was part of her family dynamic. No, it was not. Her family dynamic was not of this communication style. As we were saying our goodbyes, I asked her if there were a book, or speaker who inspired her most in her communication style. Among her many experiences and dedications, including studies in Mindful Meditation and leaving her career to live in a Buddhist retreat, she mentioned Dr. Marshall Rosenburg. I scribbled his name down, and off I went to return home.
Days passed. I was chugging along in my life with hubby and Little M. I am ok in every day life, as far as communication goes; I think most people are when things are fine. But, when frustrations evolve, I resort to communication that may be effective in one avenue, but undermining in others. An example of what makes me feel like a parental/spousal turd*: "That" hour comes - 5:45pm. Hungry, tired, the big hurdle to accomplish. Dinner. House, as I've mentioned before, looks as though the cabinets have sneezed their belongings all over the house. Likely, we have just gotten home from driving around because we live 30 minutes from anything. Little M is tired. I am frazzled - I have hay and horse poop dust in my snot. Dinner begins to be prepared, and some whinning starts. Then hubby comes in to the mix. He is in "It's 4'oclock ALL DAY" mode early this year - he is really affected by the gray days and rain. That anxious feeling brews in my chest, eating away the chord of resilience I normally have.
I cut the whining off: "Little M, my ears close when they hear whining. Use your words!". She wants a paper to do art on (she can find some on her own, and certainly, she can do so without whining). Hubby goes to address it and looks for paper. To try and save him time from going to the opposite end of the house, I tell him it is in the cupboard. He points to the junk drawer. Is he mocking me? Of course it is not in the pen drawer. "no, down below where it's always been!"
Ugh. Everyone is just bent. Who feels great? I feel like a turd. I've shut down my daughter. My husband feels like I'm treating him like a moron. Frustration builds more. ugh.
I have the honour of bringing up a child - my daughter "Little M". I feel it is my job as a parent to see my daughter for who she innately is, and help her plug in to the world as best as possible with her strengths, amidst her challenges. In so much of the media and even toys out there, I see girls/women represented in a really unbalanced manner. There is an inundation of images and stereotypes of girls, which young girls look to for what they should be. But much of media/industry only cares about what sells - what is sensational, will hold interest and shock. Amidst all of this, to retain who Little M is, means helping her to know who she is and stand up for that wherever she chooses to go or be exposed to. Myself and my husband must see her first and foremost and make it normal for her to thrive in what is healthy for herself. Additionally, she must be able to see and respect what is important to others. When anyone shuts down, or does not have a voice, anxiety builds, health is compromised, we do not flourish. The biggest influence is making sure those closest to her do not shut her down, but rather open her up and that starts with us. I dearly hope to give her this and see that Compassionate Comunication can help with this.
With regards to hubby, I recognize that we think differently. It is why I chose him, but sometimes as people who choose "opposites", those differences frustrate one another. But it shouldn't be a reason to shut someone down. Sometimes, when I am more vulnerable, when I actually need help, I get defensive too. Either way, it is not great and I want to do better. I CAN do better for them, for those around me, and for myself.
Cut to today:
I have spent the past couple weeks looking in to Non-Violent Communication/Compassionate Communication. It seems to have a lot of tools for what I would like to bring in to my life. I ordered and received The NVC Training Course Kit. I am going to do this course and put it in to play in our family arena and see if it makes a difference. I have also ordered a few things for Little M. Her first chapter book which she seems to really enjoy - Giraffe Juice (which, coincidentally, you can get a free ebook from the link provided) & the workbook, and the Giraffe audiobooks. She may be a bit young to understand the steps, but it helps me get an overall gist of it. I know that if I make some shifts in communication, she will naturally pick them up too. Even though it is a chapter book, it is the only book she is currently requesting that I read her, and she loves all books, so that is a great sign. We are learning together.
When I told one of my sisters what I was up to, she responded, "Are you violent?". ha ha - only sometimes but only in the gym or at work in a good way. From this point forward, I am referring to it, as the originator, Dr. Marshall Rosenburg originally named it "Compassionate Communication" (CC). Even he states, he only refers to Non-Violent Communication because of whom it was targeting at the time - people who were doing the course for workplace training in potentially violent, volatile situations. So. Yes, Non-Violent Communication (NVC) course, but I will always refer to it as Compassionate Communication, because i would like to focus on compassion.
This experiment and study is part of a bigger picture, but that will come later as the blog unfolds.
So... here we go.
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