I have continued to plug myself in my Non-Violent Communication course whenever possible. I have the CD still going. I've completed the second of six. I have been working away in the work book, which has helped solidify the principles.
Then Friday, on my way to preschool, I heard the news of the Newton, Connecticut shootings.
We have a four year old daughter. I took her to preschool, walked her in, hammering back the connections of what those connected were going through in my mind. I lingered, wondering if any of the other parents knew, what they felt, then I slowly left. I went downstairs, drove to the grocery store, sat in my car and cried.
In the six days since, we have learned 20 children and 6 adults died, as well as the shooter who killed himself. The first parent to speak to the media, the father of Emilie Parker, a 6 year old girl brought her light to the rest of the world. He could have been talking about our daughter for all her interests and energy. My heart and spirit have broken, unable to retain or hold these realities, yet human nature propels me to know why. Some think being too upset about it is silly, but my feeling on things have always been to feel what I am comfortable with and allow it to motivate equal or more positive change. I don't want to shut down and go on as normal. That's just not who I am. But with that, comes the desire to know "Why?", and "What can I do?". But we often don't get answers as to why and that fear festers. Another reason to move that energy towards positive change - it must go somewhere. So how and where?
In the wake of the Japanese tsunami, that helplessness was incredibly overwhelming for me. Not only was the footage and level of devastation shocking, we also have family and friends that are in Japan, south of the areas directly affected. The thing that helped was to plug in to those who were affected, to see if there was anything we could offer to their needs. But when there was nothing to immediately do, the sadness would fill for all those in need, left stranded. If I couldn't do anything, that energy would fester. What helped was realizing that we are never helpless to doing something and that horrible news is not meant to sit within us. It is meant to be learned from, to make things stronger, to make us stronger, or the horrible things in this world will all be for nothing, and I can't accept that. So we learn from the miracles, the strength of the human heart, the resilience of those affected and move that forward to one another in our circles so that the entire world will carry that light forward. I liken it to tearing muscles - it takes pain to grow. So when we are hit with pain, I have to look for where we can grow.
I'm pretty sure humans are meant to empathize, but this becomes a challenge when we are so far, and much of the time, disconnected from the tragedies that occur. Where once news would travel from one person to the next, we could be there for those in need. Now we can't. Even in everyday news, that helplessness enters us and then sits. "What do we do in light of these events?" Often times, horrible things happen and we never understand why. Why was the customs officer at Peace Arch Border crossing targeted and shot? There were never any answers for the public. So all this helplessness turns to fear, it shakes us with no reason unless we learn not to care, which is not my preference in life. But perhaps, the knowledge is meant to shift things on a larger scale. Perhaps it is an opportunity to wake up. If what has happened in Connecticut does not instigate major changes/shifts, it makes me wonder what it will take.
Christmas is upon us. I cuddled my daughter Little M tonight. She is curious about Santa and wanted a story. I struggle with Santa. I do not deny her, nor do I gush over Santa. She gets a gift from Santa, but it is just one gift that arrives under the tree. From my end (hubby is more
in to it), Santa is merely a character of Christmas. I guess it sounds pretty crusty of me, but it just doesn't feel right to go on and on about it, and as far as the magic of Christmas being Santa and what he brings, and that is what will give her a magical childhood... I don't buy it and I don't want her to buy in to that. I see that whole plug as a really well-crafted economic marketing ploy. There is no magic in getting "Stuff" from a strange guy in a red suit that kiddos feel they have to be good for during Christmas season. Just my humble feelings. What I DO tell her, Christmas is about way more than if there is a Santa and that if there is a Santa, that even he would believe that the magic of Christmas is not a toy that he brings, but that Christmas is a time of year where we as individuals, are meant to be there for one another in love, nestled in with time off school or work, to just be together. It is a once a year reminder or encouragement for people to understand that life is about giving, not just to family, but to everyone around us in the taking a moment to "fill a bucket" - from the ones we love, to strangers on the street, with a smile, with opening a conversation, with offering a hand. That is the magic of Christmas for us.
From the devastation of Newton, to the spirit of Christmas, the one thing that comes back to me is "compassion". It is opening my arms, my heart, my ears and most of all, my time to those around us. The other side of things is to continue to breed fear, anxiety, depression and most of all and detrimental, isolation.
Learning more about Compassionate Communication/NVC to this point, has been incredibly beneficial in almost every arena of my life and now current events. It takes a lot of practice to stop old patterns and create new ones that become habit, and I accept that this is something that takes time to learn. But, I'll tell ya, it FITS everything I hold dear as a parent, and for what I hope to give my partner. It will help me to know myself better, and to come to life with what matters to me and hear what is most alive in those around me. The connectivity of one person to another is so significant to our wellness, growth & prosperity as individuals and nations. It is also our saving grace in times of complete devastation and in our day-to-day activities.
Anyways, I have lost Disc 3. In trying to be sneaky, I hid it when my husband was in proximity while en route to my car. So I'm hunting for it. He is on to me about my whole course. I had to confess when I had a blowout with my daughter one evening. I told him what I was trying to do... he wondered what the heck Little M was talking about with her "Giraffe Language" & "Blame Game" chatter.
Oh, one more note. From CC, I have an understanding with my daughter, that if we get in to that zone, where we are building tension, we are to stop what we are both doing and come together to sort it out. The night of the shootings, I stayed with her all night. Every kiss and cuddle I treasured wishing I could send them to those parents who will always wish for just one more. So, in moving their light forward, they will become a part of making a stronger, more loving relationship with my daughter. When we come together, we hold hands to connect. And try and muddle through NVC together.
Little M has reminded me a couple of times, to hold her hands. It sounds cheesy. But I know that, within reason, if us choosing to come together is the priority to whatever I am doing and whatever she is doing, we are both sending the message to one another that that is the most important thing. That is a pretty strong message, that I do hope she learns. Maybe it will help to teach her that no matter what, I am there, with compassion, and with love, even when we don't agree. Yes, there are times for it to just be the way I say it. That is part of being a parent, but it is equally part of being a parent to see what is in our childrens' hearts.
My love and heartfelt wishes go out to all those who have lost their loved ones too soon, or who were amidst the devastation. Our world needs all the love, kindness and time we can give one another. If what happened, in this season, won't call for a positive, large-scale change, what will?
Thursday 20 December 2012
Wednesday 19 December 2012
Introduction to Compassionate Communication
I always wanted to be a spy.
I'm leading a double life. Making the space for the course is a challenge, but because I am doing it incognito, it is pairing up with good times. I am 007 meeting up with Moneypenny in my iPhone for nuggets of intel. When I drive on my own, I have my CD on. When I have time at home alone, when I can't be doing my taxes or work projects, etc., I will put it on with my headphones, for instance, right now when I'm prepping food in an empty house.
I have finished the first CD of six - the Introduction.
I like the pace of the CD's so far. Dr.Rosenburg has such a kind way of speaking. But I have to admit, he sounds to me like a mix of Charleton Heston & Cpt James T. Kirk, which is quite ironic, because I'm a guessin' Mr. Heston is not interested in the least with Compassionate Communication. I could see Cpt James T. Kirk using it with his interspecies mediation though, which then adds an entire sci-fi angle to my alone time. Either way - good times.
My challenge is attending to the workbook alongside the audio CD's. I know the workbook will hammer the course home. But I'm doing the best I can, so yay for me.
The broad strokes (which you can find on the CC/NVC website) that stood out for me in the first CD are the following:
What kept me from pursuing Positive Reinforcement was the need to dangle a carrot. In certain cases, training, learning new skills, it is great (when using praise or pride), but it was missing something when it came to the greater picture. We shouldn't always have to get something for being good. That's not life. It misses the mark in terms of why any living thing would want to do something for another, or why we should care about what someone else feels or holds important.
The actions an animal, a child or other party is hopefully due to mutual agreement of a larger experience, rather than because I would give something beneficial to the other party. CC addresses this. It also addresses what preceds communication with the other party I am communicating with.
What I am intrigued about Compassionate Communication is that communication begins with taking a step back and checking in with where my true centre is - where my heart is, where my intuition is most regarded, where my spirit thrives. My most useful quote, one that sits framed in my office is "What best serves the growth of my soul?". This question grounds me in those times where I am off my own centre, when I am reactive, influenced by things outside of me rather than securely in what is true to me. Compassionate Communication's question "What is alive in me?" feels similar to me. Next, it is about observing the situation and actions as truthfully as possible with observations, and next, asking myself what is alive in someone else, and how to communicate in a way that best serves making life more wonderful for those around me as well.
My way of communicating in the past was ..to not communicate. I would hold everything in, do my best to deal with it on my own, think about things, fester, do my best to figure out what I felt, and after the situation would continue, perhaps I'd give my input, which relatively, is usually in a more subtle form than some would do. Then it festers some more, and if the situation continues, I will either walk away, or explode. Sometimes this happens over months, sometimes over minutes.
In the Introduction alone, I recognize that this is a whole new way of communicating and thinking. One that I am so eager to learn more about. As with any new prospect, there are things we will agree with, things we find incredibly useful, and some that challenge our thoughts. I truly am excited and hopeful about this.
My own first exercise is to observe myself. When in a situation that involves another party, rather forming opinions, reacting, or being lead by my reactions (becoming offended or defensive), I am focusing on observing what I feel, and the truths of the situations.
In this course, I do have a workbook that accompanies the CD's. I am studying the course as best I can these days, but what I hope to share here, is what inspires me about this course and how I see that inspiration changing the direct relationships around me.
Very intrigued so far.
I'm leading a double life. Making the space for the course is a challenge, but because I am doing it incognito, it is pairing up with good times. I am 007 meeting up with Moneypenny in my iPhone for nuggets of intel. When I drive on my own, I have my CD on. When I have time at home alone, when I can't be doing my taxes or work projects, etc., I will put it on with my headphones, for instance, right now when I'm prepping food in an empty house.
I have finished the first CD of six - the Introduction.
I like the pace of the CD's so far. Dr.Rosenburg has such a kind way of speaking. But I have to admit, he sounds to me like a mix of Charleton Heston & Cpt James T. Kirk, which is quite ironic, because I'm a guessin' Mr. Heston is not interested in the least with Compassionate Communication. I could see Cpt James T. Kirk using it with his interspecies mediation though, which then adds an entire sci-fi angle to my alone time. Either way - good times.
My challenge is attending to the workbook alongside the audio CD's. I know the workbook will hammer the course home. But I'm doing the best I can, so yay for me.
The broad strokes (which you can find on the CC/NVC website) that stood out for me in the first CD are the following:
- The basics of Compassionate Communication/NVC "involves sharing whats alive in us and what will make life more wonderful and to receive the same information from other people".
- Compassionate Communication skills include:
- Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
- Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
- Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and,
- Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).
What kept me from pursuing Positive Reinforcement was the need to dangle a carrot. In certain cases, training, learning new skills, it is great (when using praise or pride), but it was missing something when it came to the greater picture. We shouldn't always have to get something for being good. That's not life. It misses the mark in terms of why any living thing would want to do something for another, or why we should care about what someone else feels or holds important.
The actions an animal, a child or other party is hopefully due to mutual agreement of a larger experience, rather than because I would give something beneficial to the other party. CC addresses this. It also addresses what preceds communication with the other party I am communicating with.
What I am intrigued about Compassionate Communication is that communication begins with taking a step back and checking in with where my true centre is - where my heart is, where my intuition is most regarded, where my spirit thrives. My most useful quote, one that sits framed in my office is "What best serves the growth of my soul?". This question grounds me in those times where I am off my own centre, when I am reactive, influenced by things outside of me rather than securely in what is true to me. Compassionate Communication's question "What is alive in me?" feels similar to me. Next, it is about observing the situation and actions as truthfully as possible with observations, and next, asking myself what is alive in someone else, and how to communicate in a way that best serves making life more wonderful for those around me as well.
My way of communicating in the past was ..to not communicate. I would hold everything in, do my best to deal with it on my own, think about things, fester, do my best to figure out what I felt, and after the situation would continue, perhaps I'd give my input, which relatively, is usually in a more subtle form than some would do. Then it festers some more, and if the situation continues, I will either walk away, or explode. Sometimes this happens over months, sometimes over minutes.
In the Introduction alone, I recognize that this is a whole new way of communicating and thinking. One that I am so eager to learn more about. As with any new prospect, there are things we will agree with, things we find incredibly useful, and some that challenge our thoughts. I truly am excited and hopeful about this.
My own first exercise is to observe myself. When in a situation that involves another party, rather forming opinions, reacting, or being lead by my reactions (becoming offended or defensive), I am focusing on observing what I feel, and the truths of the situations.
In this course, I do have a workbook that accompanies the CD's. I am studying the course as best I can these days, but what I hope to share here, is what inspires me about this course and how I see that inspiration changing the direct relationships around me.
Very intrigued so far.
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