I recently came across an article that caught my eye ""8
Things Never to Say to a Mom of an Only Child" in The Stir section of
The Huffington Post. "Eight things to never say to a Mom of an Only", which
include asking when you'll have another (and variations of that question), suggestions
that people are lucky to be able to do 'x, y, z' because they only have one kid, and if you
do say these things, it is "Hurtful. Insulting. Ignorant. Rude."
We have one child - a daughter. We have had "The Talk" from those
closest to us, on how we should give our daughter a sibling. We've heard
how lonely she will be, that she will be an orphan when we are gone, with no
one else in the world. We have had our ages pointed out to us, with a
modest eyebrow raised. Do I take it as "Hurtful. Insulting. Ignorant. Rude."?
If you are some passive-aggressive psychopath whose intention is to poke
at what may be an incredibly personal choice, yes, I'd find it all of those things. And if you are some passive-aggressive psychopath whose
intention is to poke at what is an incredibly personal choice to me, you will
not be in my life much longer - I have a good nose for those. But if not, nobody has
the time to always be considering where I am in my emotional journey for our
family, especially when they are mothers themselves, with one, or twelve
children to mind. I get that people speak from their own choices, experiences, and hopes. So what then? Does it still hurt to hear these statements and questions?... Our back-story for your information:
Our choice to have one child was made by us, and not. My daughter, "Little M", was one
year and one month old when I found out I was pregnant with our
second. Until I was 11 weeks pregnant, I bonded with our little one,
sending love, rubbing my tum, making my body the best environment I could to
host and build the little one nestled inside.
I reoriented myself in the new direction our lives were now going to go,
dreamed of our daughter having a buddy to play with on the farm, wondered if it
was a boy or a girl -we were sure it was a boy. Then I got the phone call
that our pregnancy had ended. I was told the hormone levels had
diminished, but as my mind leapt from one possibility to the next, all hope was
cut when I heard "missed miscarriage".
We mourned with those who were lovingly able to sit with us through the grief. We
moved forward with it, not from it. In the years since, though a second would have been ideal
for her, we understood that our lives were not in the place to give everything
that a second child, and our current daughter deserved. It was a decision
that was based on what was right for us in the time we were at. My husband and
I thought about it a lot, and heard first in our own minds all the questions
others would ask, except we asked ourselves those questions some times
daily. So if the reason for asking is to see if we have considered
things enough, I hope this gives people peace that we have.
Life isn't always what you want. Most often times, the best choices,
are not the easiest. Sometimes, they are just choices. But my point in
writing this, is to share a different perspective of a mother to an "only", than the Huffington Post article: I do not want people walking on eggshells around my life. Perhaps I may not always take assumptions well, it actually gives a chance to open communication.
If you are
in my circle, or are new to my circle and you do ask, I will give you an honest
answer to what is appropriate for how well we know each other. Because I
assume it is with good intention, and no matter how hard it may be to respond,
I do not want those in my circle to walk on egg-shells around me. Life is hard, sometimes it gets messy. I get sad, scared, unsure and undone, but at the end of the day, with the relationships that matter or those that have hope to continue, I value
and desire understanding just as much as you would for the challenges you
face. Healthy relationships are not about comparing, competing nor judging and if
they are, it's time for an audit.
Often times, the things that were the most hurtful were not because of
others being ignorant, insulting or rude. It was either because they said nothing while walking on egg-shells, or because I was too raw
myself. I just needed time. In that same vein, it was up to me to
respond with boundaries: "I can't talk about this yet, it is too
painful.", or "That’s very personal to me". "There is
more to the answer than I feel comfortable talking about right now, maybe
another time". OR “Not sure. How about you? When are you having more children? Getting married?”. The last one is great for
singles who just repeatedly use the question for an icebreaker, especially when they are
kind of wankers. One dude scoffed and
took great offense to being asked about settling down. I think he got it. He’s never asked again. Sometimes people just ask, because they have no idea. That doesn't make them rude or ignorant. But again, it is up to me to communicate boundaries.
I
say stupid things all the time, based on my own experience. If I
offend, hopefully those in my life will have the same resilience with me
to open up, rather than dismiss me.
People who have children, who have one, who have none, who had and lost a
little one... life very rarely fits in a tidy box with a neat label.
There are no black and white answers or ideals - everyone deals with
things differently when they are in the thick of life. It is what makes
us stronger and what gives us the lessons, the potential, the (sometimes
undesired) kick in the ass to move in a direction we otherwise wouldn't have gone, through the fog of whatever experiences were had.
Is it better not to assume, judge, nor advise? Yes. I would appreciate if people came from the heart and went from there, and I am doing my best to learn to do so too (NVC/CC has been helpful in refining this). But I get that hard things are often awkward. Perhaps though, rather than it being a place to shut down communications, maybe it is a place to start.
